Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Earth Day For Earthy People

I just returned from sunny California and am behind on my blogging. More to follow, however when I read our local curmudgeon, Joe Soucheray's column on "Earth Day" i had to reprint it without permission. I don't think he would object. It is golden. If I offend someone, too bad. You need to read this. When we worship "Mother Earth" and ignore Father God things get crazy.

Quote from St. Paul Pioneer Press:

Joe Soucheray: It's Earth Day. So have a pizza before the sun explodes.
By Joe Soucheray
Updated: 04/21/2009 11:55:22 PM CDT

Fat people can take some comfort in the idea that any year now, the Earth is going to be hit by a giant solar storm that will so thoroughly devastate the developed world that there won't be any need or time to blame fat people for anything, much less global warming.
That's the latest of what passes for science as we approach secular religion's highest holy day, Earth Day, today. Fat people are now blamed for global warming, which, if true, would only cause me to wish for more fat people around these parts because spring has been slow to arrive, as usual.
Keeping in mind that what the followers of environmentalism as a secular religion truly share is a dislike of people, fat people have got to go. They don't come right out and say that fat people should be rounded up, but some true believer named Dr. Phil Edwards of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine said, "Moving about in a heavy body is like driving a gas guzzler."
When in need of an uplift, always turn to the Sun, a British newspaper of dubious credibility but always good for checking up on the likes of, say, Susan Boyle, now suggested in some quarters, incidentally, to have been planted by Simon Cowell. I don't care. I still love her.
In any event, the Sun went all out to report that each fat person emits a metric ton (2,204 pounds) more of carbon dioxide per year than a thin person. It means, the Sun reported cheekily, that an extra billion metric tons of CO2 is pumped into the air each
year just by fat people waddling about or getting into their cars to drive a block to buy a gallon of ice cream. In the hands of a true secularist, a lawn mower is said to emit a billion tons of pollution each summer. A billion is their default number.
It conveniently falls into their template that fat people obviously drive more than thin people. Neither the Sun nor the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine offers any proof, weight guidelines, empirical evidence of any sort. They don't have to; it's theology.
It also falls conveniently into the template that the United States — read "rich'' nations — are getting fatter all the time.
So what? If we get a solar storm, also predicted by science but with more plausible anxiety, the sun — our friend not the newspaper — could at any moment spit out a huge blob of plasma, a giant superstorm that would detach from the sun.
They give such a storm a worst-case scenario. In a nutshell, "a coronal mass ejection" of electrically charged particles would destroy our electricity. With the destruction of the electric grid, we would be thrown back into the dark ages until we could replace the damaged transformers and delivery networks.
Such a storm happened Sept. 1, 1859, known as the Carrington event for the British astronomer who observed it, Richard Carrington.
But it didn't really cause any harm, except for telegraph systems, because we were a steam-powered world back then, not an electric-powered world.
If it happened now, it wouldn't make any difference if you were fat or thin or tall or short. It wouldn't make any difference what you drove or what you ate.
All of us would be catastrophically affected by the one thing and one thing only, short of massive nuclear war, that could ever catastrophically affect us: nature. Endlessly absorbing, untamable, unpredictable nature.
One giant solar storm would certainly put us in our place, as would an eruption of the Yellowstone caldera, earthquakes, tsunamis. Nature is bigger than us.
But today, your kid will go to school and get a good Earth Day dose of that new-time religion. When the big one hits, a big natural something, you and your brainwashed kids can be glad you were thin, drove something responsible and tried to read by the light of those little corkscrew light bulbs.
Joe Soucheray can be reached at or 651-228-5474. Soucheray is heard from 2 to 5:30 p.m. weekdays on KSTP-AM 1500.

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